Better sex without Tina
we expect and what can we do about it?
Developing a new sexual life
What can we expect and what can we do about it?
Being hard on yourself
Remember the context. You may be used to an extreme level
of intensity and focus on sex. Your brains and dick may be
hard-wired for Tina. You may have reinforced sex combined
with Tina to the point that whenever you think of sex you
think of using. The adjustments necessary to de-link sex and
Tina for many of us are huge. We will overemphasize our sense
of failure whenever we slip, often as a pretext for using
again. Try and avoid this. Being gentle with yourself produces
Setting unrealistc goals
Some of us get so disgusted with ourselves, especially after
a binge or personal crisis, that we are highly motivated to
change at this point. Use this opportunity, but try and not
squander it by setting goals of abstinence right away. It
is smarter to set smaller goals like cutting back and building
success in small steps. You will know in time if you need
to quit completely or not.
Most challenges are more difficult in the early stages of
transition. With Tina, we are used to quick fixes. Know that
change is a process. Know that it takes ongoing commitment.
Know that it often takes a long time. Know that it does get
better. Know that if others have done it so can you or someone
you care about.
It’s common to feel confused about what is triggering
a craving. We experience an event as stressful, we feel horny,
we feel depressed, sorry for ourselves, lonely, or overwhelmed.
Many guys find it helpful to begin to sort out what is causing
the trigger to use Tina again. When you begin to feel a craving,
step back and do a check in. If your habit is to engage in
other compulsive behaviors like sex, eating, shopping or gambling,
it is helpful not to indulge or substitute those compulsions.
Monitoring yourself in this way can be a useful practice to
help discover other parts of yourself, as well as underlying
causes of our triggers. The expanding awareness you gain from
this practice will alleviate the confusion and help you better
target alternative responses in keeping with your new goals.
It’s a reality for many of us, especially at the early
stages. Our existing patterns, social circles and networks
may be associated with sex, Tina, or unsupportive of the changes
we are trying to make. Anticipating loneliness and developing
other options we can engage in can be helpful in an ongoing
way, and also when we are in a deeper slump. Some guys call
an understanding friend for a phone conversation, journal,
go for a walk or bike ride, go to the gym or engage in other
physical activity, garden, go to a movie or rent a DVD, attend
a support meeting, meet a friend for dinner, meditate, do
yoga or tai chi, attend a church service, acquire a pet, take
a workshop or class, join a club, explore a new neighbourhood,
or engage in a volunteer commitment. Whatever you do, it is
best not to engage in activities when lonely that increase
the desire to have sex or use Tina.
Especially at the beginning of change, we tend to focus on
loss. You may be caught up in all that you are missing about
not having sex with Tina or not having sex at all. This is
common. It’s also necessary. It’s part of a grief
process. Acknowledging this and allowing yourself to feel
this without descending into self-pity and ‘poor me’
thinking is a challenge. Staying focused on what you are gaining
by reducing or eliminating Tina with sex can help. It’s
also important to remember the cumulative small successes
you might experience each week. In addition, it’s helpful
to remember the context of a Tina induced depression that
will increase the tendency towards sad thoughts. This source
of sadness will lesson as our brain chemistry returns to more
A need for support
This is a lot for anyone. Many guys find benefit from talking
about what they are going through. Talking to a friend or
partner, working with an individual therapist, in a group
setting, or in some combination together is going to be worthwhile
not only to express yourself, but to get feedback and learn
from others. Some guys find expression through writing, art,
music or other creative outlets helpful as well.
help with professional services available in Toronto please
refer to our Resource Guide.